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| So I guess that you know what you want..and I don't really know how to take the hit, but I've always been good playing by ear. I won't make those mistakes..well..maybe I will, but at least when the time comes, I'll be more aware that I do make those mistakes. Its like during my presentation today..I became conscious that I was saying "uhm" wayyy too much..becoming aware is half the battle. The other half is slowing down the pace of life in order to make good decisions taking into consideration this new awareness. I'm not 100% satisfied. But I'm okay..I'm definitely not in a terrible position. I inevitably fall back to this position..I keep applying energy..i store it up until I can't take anymore..I blow up..and return back to the starting point. So the questions is now..how many more times can I keep applying energy before the entire system fails. When do I get to the point where I'll no longer return to where I started. I still don't know what the right move is. I have no strategy..no plan of action..no real experience. So all there is left is to either guess or not guess..and either way..it seems like the outcome will be the same. Seriously, what are the chances that things will turn out differently. I know you know exactly what you want and exactly what you don't want to deal with. Soo..if what you don't want to deal with is what I'm looking for..I don't know how many more times I have to say it before I believe it; this isn't going to work. Its easy for you to come to terms with this..and I'm sorry that its taking me such effort..I'm sorry I just can't accept it, but I'm a dreamer..and I'm a hard worker. And that is a very stubborn combination. I'll see it eventually..I'll believe it sooner or later. If you show me even half of the patience I've shown you..this will be a great thing. We'll be okay..I'll be okay..you're right..you're not what I'm looking for. At this very moment..what you are is not what I am looking for. | | |
| its always so easy when its not happening to you..its so clear and easy to see the solution. I think i know what has to be done. i think ive been doing what's best for me..but its hard to keep it up. i got a taste of what i was trying to forget and you know what..its hard to let something like that go. i would be so happy to make it a part of my life..i would take it all..the good and the bad and cherish it..but it doesnt look like im in the position to make any decisions..all of them are being made for me..by all the people around me. so..this is my decision. this seems t be the only thing i have control of..so youre welcome. you think you know it all though..you think that im nothing. what if..becoming something.what if that is part of my decision as well? Sorry for boring you..sorry for no longer being useful..but admit it. There is something different about me, and you like having that in your life. i think you want to be right about me and wrong about me on sooo many different levels. not all in my favor but not all against me either. So, maybe its time you started taking the hint. Maybe its time you started to realize that you're going to complain either way..regardless of what i do. You are not going to be happy with anything that I decide. Because..either I get an earfull of I told you so, or one full of you never listen. So if I am going to be yelled at either way..well, what's another mile. What's another 2 minutes of holding my breath. What the hell..I'm pot committed. So whatever it is you are trying to protect..whatever it is you're so afraid of..at this moment, I am fearless. I'll play. You don't think I can? You don't know who I used to be..you don't know what I could have been. And although I walked away from that person knowing that this was for the better, I ultimately lost a part of myself..and that part hasn't been recovered in your eyes. I know that I shed the bad and embraced the good..I've proven it to myself time and time again..but if you really can't see me shine..if you are too busy scanning the crowd to feel the presence of someone by your side..the backup and give me some room. I'll show you what it means to steal the spotlight. I'll show you I'm not an incomplete person at all. And even if you never get the chance to see it..the rest of the world will. If you haven't noticed..I'm different with you. And I'm starting to care less about maintaining that difference. | | |
| I wish you were here right now..I love the way you make yourself into a ball and open up your life to me..in a way that doesn't take me over, but makes me want to open up my life to you too. You really changed my life. You helped me through such a rough patch in my life, and although very many people never understood us, I still don't care. She thinks that she has such an important place in my life. And maybe she does..but that isn't the point. The point is that..she doesn't get it the way you did..the way you do. And you know, you might not be here all the time..but you have a lot of your own crap to deal with. I don't know how you keep going..and I hope I give you as much life energy as I can for whatever short time we have for each other. I'm really sorry that your life is so hard right now..and as much as I would like to just make it all go away, I can't. If I can't even do it for myself..how can i even begin to do it for someone who has REAL problems.
Life might not be all that we expect..but we all have to be a little careful about where we place importance and emphasis. Life isn't so terrible when you realize how many lucky breaks you've caught along the way. I know I'm supposed to be learning from this, but I'm coming up with nothing. All I can keep thinking..is that this is going to be a lonely journey. If I'm already feeling so alone in the comfort of my own hometown..how am I going to deal with moving across the country.
I can't help but think that you really get me..and that you're one of the few people in my life who know who I really am..maybe sometimes better than I do. I'm actually finding really difficult to find someone in my life who thinks of love the same way I do. You would think that love is love..that love is universal..but everyone has their own idea of what it is, and its taking me a really long time to accept that. She says that I've become too accepting..but that doesn't give you an excuse to just take advantage of that..to completely disregard my feelings and my needs. You'll argue that you can't do anything if you don't know what I want..if I don't speak up for myself. But you know what, I realized I have some great friends who have stuck their neck out for me..who are observant enough and who can read me. So I'm sorry, but I expect a little more, and if it's too much for you to give, well, I'm sorry, but even she realized she couldn't give what i needed and walked away. She did the most hurtful thing in my mind..in order to set me free. Now that I think of it, it was her way of loving me. You know..I haven't said those words passionately to anyone in years. And you need to just sit down and read this, because you might be thinking that many people don't find love and its a normal thing..but you really need to understand that I don't care how normal it is, it kills me.
I want more out of life than what you think is "normal" or realistic". Is it so wrong to want more? You always say how much you like ambition in a guy. Tell me, have you met anyone this ambitious? Have you met anyone this passionate? Have you ever met someone who dreamed this big..and someone who was willing to give it everything to make the dreams come true..and not just his own, but yours as well? You make me want to give up on hope..and that's not something I'm prepared to do. I refuse to let this part of me go, and I hate it how you make me feel like this side of me isn't good enough. Give me back my table..I don't like displaying your life on it anymore..and I just do not know how to be your friend. I hate to admit it..but I have no freaking clue how to be here for you anymore. haha..I remember days when I used to come over to see you..and you looked like you couldn't care less. Days when I felt like you put up with more than enjoy me..and all the while, I was just trying to find out what I could do to make you happy. I don't think I ever gave anyone as much as I gave you. my mind shuts down now..whenever I think of you. It hurts too much to miss you. But right now..at this moment..I miss you so much. | | |
| have you ever shared..what you thought would be the perfect moment with someone who you thought would be the perfect person? Have you ever found yourself in a place you've always longed to be..only to find that once you're there..you're not really there at all? That there is some essential piece missing from the equation that you just assumed would fall into place? There are not many moments I would like to go back to in my life, but that moment..How I wish to be back. It was just enough volume..just enough coldness..just enough restraint..just enough boldness.
Sometimes you question how special you are..how replaceable you could be. You think how much you're actually contributing to the people around you. And you know what..that's dangerous..because with or without you, people are going to do just fine, and unfortunately, to those of us who think a little too much..we take this fact as a sign that we're meaningless. All i really want in a little meaning in my life. Although I could really use that feeling..the one that you get when you feel like you're sharing something special with someone.
I guess I should have been more careful about what I asked for. Maybe you made your decisions because you wanted to avoid what has happened to me. You know, i think deep down inside she admires me. She must be asking herself how I can put up with all of the little quirks that drive her insane. I really don't know how I do it either..I would like to say that it comes naturally, or that I'm blinded and don't know any better, but I think the fact that I'm putting in effort says a lot. Maybe I shouldn't..afterall, that's the conclusion that I always come to.
It was a pretty good moment...one that I will never forget. One that still makes my back shiver if I think about it for too long. Honestly, I cannot wait to fall in love again. You've got me going back and fourth like ping pong. I'm growing tired of playing games. | | |
| a long sought after moment of true clarity..who would have thought that the moment would be so afraid. Who would have thought the the seed of truth..required the unpeeling and unlayering of each and every social construct I built around myself. Who could have imagined the vulnerability one must experience in his or her journey to finally come face to face with the largest demon one will ever encounter; their unrestricted self. Maybe that's what I needed all along, a chance to confront myself..a chance to experience myself without a guise of courtesy..of open concern for others. And yet the only part of my defense structure that I was not willing to let go entirely, was my ability to be content with fading into the background. I realize..i make myself out to be a person who does not need to be cared for..in hopes to find a person who is willing to really see whether or not that's really the person I am. Someone..to finally look past my outward shell of simplicity and really get to understand and appreciate the complexity of this heart. It is not enough to know that I hide myself behind myself. It doesn't make you special to know that I have a secret. Specialty and love come from discovering the depth of the secret, not merely its existence.
I wish that you could have seen me at my best..in my element. I so wish you could have seen my hard work..the effort and passion I put into spreading more hard work and more passion. I wish you could have been there to see how i love. I love to laugh. I love to make others laugh. I like becoming a person in your life worth a running greeting. And with this very simple 3 point checklist, I can already see problems. He says to not run away. And you know what..he's right. This is a moment where i turn around, hold my head high, and walk. | | |
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