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| And then of course there are moments like these which surprise me..catch me off guard..make me feel unexpectedly good about life. What is the cutoff point anyway, when small talk transforms into heart-felt welcomes? When does one become a friend instead of a friend of a friend or just a familiar face? Whatever the line might be, it's just such a great feeling to know that great things can be made of nothing..that fresh starts are still possible..and that two strangers can laugh and joke and play around with their similarities and differences.
All I can say, is greet each new person and opportunity with a sense of interest and welcoming; you'll never who has the answers to the questions you hold deep in your heart. | | |
| It still bugs me. I get over things pretty quickly, but I think I've just gotten this response too many times from too many people..that I'm just really sick of it. I don't get you guys. You complain to me..tell me how some of the people in your life let you down..and you know what, you guys are really upset when that happens. It hits me..in a place that I rarely feel..I feel your pain and in those few moments where I hear your voices almost break and when our aim conversations ends with dot dot dot, all I want to do is take away all your pain. I'd do anything in my power..and drop anything to get my friend back to smiling again. And you know what, I never regret missed deadlines, late night phone conversations, and headaches that happen when I don't get enough sleep. I'll gladly be here for you always..and especially when you need me most..when you're alone and want to have the presence of another person, when you do something great and want something to share in your joy, when you're afraid or hurt and need someone to distract you..when you just need someone to help you decompress your life..you can count on my friendship.
And yet, you still think of this as a weakness. Don't lie. On some deep level, I bet that you think that I'm such a pushover for wanting to be there for you..the fact that I'll do anything to help you. Listen to me very closely, because these next few sentence will be the most honest and unreserved statements I will ever make in my life. Being nice and caring is not a weakness. How dare you. My care and compassion for others is my biggest strength. I don't bend over backwards in hopes to earn your trust and affection..I don't do it for you, I do it for me. Let me say that one more time. I do it for myself. I'm nice..and i bite my tongue..and I'm amiable and I don't cause or spread drama for me..because I know I can. Because I know that most people in the world don't have the kind of composure or desire to..and because I can't live with myself knowing that I wasn't trying my best..to be the best person that I can be. You see..you get angry and complain to me..sometimes for hours at a time. And when I get angry..we talk..for at most 10-15 mins. I can't begin to even explain or express to you how unfair this all is, but please don't make it worse by assuming that I don't get angry. Don't insult my effort of transcending the negative aspects of the human condition. I know I am human..and I'm just as frustrated and selfish and self-centered as anyone..but is it really such a bad thing to want to live a life without these characteristics? Is it so wrong to want to provide that kind of experience to the people I care about most.
You once told me that sometimes..sometimes I need to think of myself and care about myself..make myself a priority. You said that it was the only thing I was missing. You said I needed to develop some sort of strategy..and then you said that you didn't feel anything when you were with me. She noticed that we kind of just feathered away..that it just died out..and she said this even before I had a chance to notice it. If..if abandoning my ideals of love and nurture and care..if that's what it takes to win the heart of a girl these days..then I would rather shatter. You have no idea how backwards this is to me..how much pain surges through my heart and into my face when people misunderstand my good intentions..when people just give up on you without even trying.
You have no idea what I'm about. You don't even have the slightest clue. | | |
| If you really expect the world to work that way, I guess you have your reasons. It's not the world that I live in, yet i twist every single aspect of myself to fit the contours of yours. I'm so tired of fitting. I'm so upset with the fact that people I've grown close to in the last few years are so happy with me fitting their lives. It's good enough for them. But I'm starting to realize that it's not even close to being good enough for me. I don't want to get angry..and I won't, because too often when people become angry, well..when people become angry they sometimes stop trying and just give up. I don't want to take that risk, I don't ever want to feel like the solution to my problems is to stop putting in effort..to stop loving..to stop holding the well being of my friends close to my heart and the top of my list of priorities.
You want to know about me? I believe in love. I believe in making the people around me happy. I believe in not letting people down..of adhering to my word. I believe in giving others the benefit of the doubt. I believe in signaling before changing lanes, waiting to be given an open spot before reversing, and sticking my hand out in the freaking cold to show my appreciation for consideration. I believe in the healing power of hugs. I believe in never leaving anyone behind. I believe in doing everything in my capability to make sure that you and the people you know are okay and in the best possible position before I leave. I believe in being there for others when they say they need me or need to get away. I believe in not complaining if it means that you'll be in a better place. I believe in calming down my voice even when I feel like screaming at you. I believe in dropping subjects and conversations that start to raise your voice. I believe in appreciation. I believe in the effort of friendship. I believe in being the best person I know how to be..to payback every effort of a good friend, family member, and love.
So for every person who has let you down..for every person who has hurt you..who has caused you pain, upset you..left you by yourself..cancelled on your plans..told you that they were too busy to listen to you complain for even 5 minutes. For every person who treated you less than you deserve..and for every person who didn't care enough to even consider putting you ahead of themselves for one freaking night..I have tried my best to be there for you.
And if you still feel like I hide behind a mask of generosity, compassion, and courtesy..I only have one question for you; why have you not tried to find the real me yet? | | |
| I'm happy that you were stronger than the others. I offered you a different world..one of escape. I'm good at doing that..and too many people get it wrong. They think I gave up everything I have to help others escape. You got it all wrong. I just want so badly for someone to escape with me..how great would it be..for just an hour or two a week to run away and be someone else..to do things you wouldn't do otherwise..and to share that experience with someone who is dear to you? I'm not trying to impress you, not trying to buy your love, not trying to be who you want me to be. I'm just trying to escape into a fantasy where money doesn't really mean that much. Maybe I'm old fashioned and like opening doors and puling out chairs and picking up the tab..is it so wrong to want to do those things? I'm not trying to get into your space and say that you can't do any of these things for yourself..I just want you to feel the relief of being taken care of whenever you are with me. You are a guest in my life..an honored guest who deserves the best treatment possible for gracing me with your presence. That kind of relief is what is more dear to me..a kind of relief that I search for myself. A kind of relief..that makes you just rest your head backwards for a few seconds..and not worry about having to question if things will be okay when you open your eyes again. I mean..can you really trust another human being without that kind of security..without that kind of relief? Does this mean that you don't trust me? What have I done to make you so cautious of me?
I hope you're not afraid of letting me shatter at your feet. I've already assured you that I'm fine..okay with being okay..even better at being okay with not being okay. I adapt quickly..and although the ultimate goal is to find a person who no longer gives me a need to adapt..no hard feelings if you can't be that person. I've been pushed around by so many people growing up..that it would really take an extraordinary person to not push me. And i'm not saying that you're not a great a person..we're just not good for each other.
She was perfect..she was good to me..and helped me grow into love. She made me believe that deep down inside, everyone just wants to find a kind of love that they deserve. And there are so many people out there..who don't get what they deserve. The only comfort I can offer you..is that I've crossed paths with someone of true beauty..good people do exist. I just pray that you find someway to heal your soul while they are in your life..and to not let them slip away so easily. I had but a taste of her goodness..and it was enough to change my life. She fits my life..she's good at all the things I would hope her to be good at. But I feel like I cannot offer anything..except laughter. Some say that it is a lot to be able to make someone smile and laugh..and I won't disagree. But unfortunately, I don't feel like it'll be enough. And of all the things I try to avoid in life..it's being one of those guys who just doesn't get the picture. I hate playing the idiot who gives his all like he has a chance..without realizing that he really has nothing to offer. No one really wants to tell him what's going on..people feel sorry for killing the dreams of such a nice guy.
I never thought I'd be here. I know I kept telling myself that I was prepared to lose you, that we were just temporary..but how can you really even begin to prepare for losing someone? They keep trying to comfort me..but they don't know you the way I did. It just sucks when there's nothing to blame..because more often than not you end up blaming yourself.
haha..its times like these where i really rely on my gift of making people laugh. If only it were enough. What a great world this would be if being able to make others happy was enough. | | |
| You play the part well. I always liked believing that people were good by nature. People tell me I'm wrong. And they tell me to look out for myself. And these past few years have been enough to make my mind spin. The last time i put this song on repeat, I was in love. I missed you from hundreds of miles away..and while everyone around me was fooled by the illusion of lights and sounds, I remained awake. I have no idea how to give you what you want..to give you what you need to keep wanting to look at me in the same light. Even at this moment..I refuse to give up on you. The actions that I've taken recently are the direct result of me giving up on myself.
You are a beautiful person. There are moments when you hide your face from me behind blankets and pillows..and I keep trying to see that smile again..because that smile holds the secret to a kind of happiness that most people haven't felt since Christmas. Perhaps I did spoil you. Maybe I gave you too much of myself too quickly. I called you gorgeous one too many times, bought one too many dinners, and called you one too many times. But you continually find ways to make my heart sing.
I'm sure you can look back on us..and come to the conclusion that I was a great guy. A nice guy. A guy who deserves to be happy. But here I am..writing more and more songs. And sometimes..I feel like that's all that I'm left with. I don't know exactly what I want at this moment. To travel back into the past would not be worth my time..I appreciated you to my fullest capabilities, and inevitably, I would end back up in the present. I want to step forward.
You guys..you don't know what you have, and I don't know how you have it. You're really complaining to me about how she wants you to be sweet? Obviously, please don't be someone who you are not..but at the same time, please allow yourself to find out exactly who you are. I'll never be you..or be in your shoes. No matter how comfortable I may attempt to be with myself..I'll never have what you have. And although sometimes I wish I had the opportunity, I'm not jealous. Because at the same time, you'll never have what I do. We're all just people..who are missing things. We're all incomplete people.
I embrace my incompleteness. It's a constant reminder that there's always something better..always something to work for. I used to hide it. I used to cover it up. I displaced it with people and things and drinks..but I began to realize, no matter how much you love to run away from it, you'll never be able to bring me along. You are my perpetual reminder of just how incomplete I am. I'm not looking for you to complete me..I just want you in my life in such a way that you stop reminding me of how much farther I have to go. My healing heart is reminder enough. | | |
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